Pain: what to do with it?
I don’t know about you, but lately I have encountered an enormous amount of pain in people’s life. Starting from what is happening globally, for instance in war zones: even if one is not directly involved, or if we don’t watch the news, we are all penetrated by that pain through the collective consciousness. Then there’s personal pain: loss, trauma, accidents, illness, hurtful communication, break-ups, violence. Lately so many people I know are going through something very difficult and painful. I wonder whether this is what adulthood may look like, in a way, but I also think that we are going through - yet again - particularly challenges times. So…what to do with all this pain?
Our first reaction is often to shut it down, to suppress it, to pretend it’s not there. We all long for pleasure as much as we try to avoid pain. But that doesn’t work as in fact pain remains encysted into our body - our body cells actually store suppressed emotions. Some people ask themselves if their pain is worth it, meaning that they compare it to other people’s pain and it seems too small to be valid. They almost feel guilty to fuss about trivial matters. I recognise that tragic events in other people’s life can help us to reflect on what we have and to feel grateful; however that’s no reason to invalidate how we feel, because we all have our own pain and whether it’s bigger or smaller (not sure who could determine that), it needs our acknowledgement.
In fact the only way out of pain is to go through it. That’s why, especially in the beginning, psychotherapy may resemble a descent into hell: we enter the therapy room and eventually we name the pain, we let it out, feeling everything that we have resisted for a long time. Hell is my resistance. Yes, when we resist pain, or change, we only suffer more.
But how to make sense of all the pain that we feel? As human beings we only grow through pain. Joy is an essential part of our life, but it’s not the trigger for growth, pain is. We tend to think that pain is bad and pleasure is good and if you have read me before you may know that I do not embrace such binary, limiting perspective; it can only add more suffering. Rather, I like to think of pain as yet another essential part of life: one that is enriching because we can learn form it, it carries meaning. A part of life that triggers our evolution and that we need to accept. After the storm has passed, in hindsight, we may as well feel grateful for the pain we have experienced, because it opens the door to new opportunities, discoveries, ways of being. Think of how diamonds are born: initially they are nothing but carbon. The carbon, deep underground, crystallises thanks to very high pressure and very high heat, transforming into diamonds; then they come to the surface through volcanic eruptions. That sounds like hell to me! What if we started to recognise that it is the same alchemic process that we experience when we allow ourselves to descent into our own personal hell… Your pain can transform you in a precious diamond, not bad, uh?
What is your relationship to pain? Do you accept it and feel it, or do you resist it? Do you believe something precious could come out of it? Do you perhaps indulge in it, amplifying it for no reason? Our relationship to pain is important and it can change who we are.
Nonetheless, the process is challenging and we can support ourselves by indulging in self-care and self-love. Sometimes I feel comforted by reading books of authors that explore how the pain permeates the clefts of the soul: I find it so reassuring to know that someone had such a deep understanding and broad vision of how we feel and what we think. The maestro, for me, are Lev Tolstoj (Anna Karenina - the despair of social condemnation and the fear of not being loved back) and Philip Roth (American Pastoral - the pain behind a golden family. The human stain - the pain that comes from shame. When she was good - Roth's only novel with a female protagonist). These books offer an incredible display of the human condition and its suffering, a picture of the deepest truth hidden behind the mask we wear. We are so used to social media and the perfect lives they show us, that I find it incredibly helpful to have a look behind the scene.
Art is also very comforting to me, in different ways. When it comes to pain, it is the Pietà to sooth me the most. Such a display of pain and compassion so perfectly crafted shows me the way to experience my pain. Michelangelo’s Pietà is for sure a perfect example, but other artists have worked on the same theme, too. One of my favourite is Vincent Van Gogh’s Pietà, as it emanates such tenderness.
Music is another powerful tool that can support us in experiencing and expressing our pain, it is a powerful vehicle. And at the same time music can be give us so much comfort. What is the song that makes you cry the most, and yet you love it, you listen to it and sing it to let it all out? Or the one that you find more soothing? To have a “pain playlist” could be a great aid to convey unexpressed emotions. On top of my list there is Schubert’s Ave Maria…so touching. I would like to share with you an instrumental and jazzy version of it that makes it particularly poignant.
I wish you all a joyful Christmas, may love fill your hearts.
Francesca