The gift of receiving.
We all know about the value of giving. From a very young age we are taught that to give is important; children are taught to share their toys, for instance. We grow up in a culture where there’s a lot of emphasis on giving and as a result, when we are in a relationship, we often focus on the other person’s experience more than on our own. I see it in my therapy room every day and it translates into the worry “is my friend (or my partner, or my parent) happy with what I offered? Is that good enough?”. To the point that some will give even when they are not asked for anything. Giving becomes the default option because we want to make people happy, and what’s better than constantly offering something to them? That can be a powerful and effective manipulative technique.
Today I would like to bring the emphasis on the concept of receiving, as in fact we assume that to receive is easy, but it’s not. Think about it, how do you relate to it? How good are you at gracefully accepting the things that are offered to you? How do you feel when you receive a compliment? Can you simply say thank you, or do you struggle with it? And how do you feel and behave when someone is giving you something: are you grateful or do you run away? For those of you who are in therapy, what is it that you take and allow yourself to receive from your therapist during the sessions? This is another assumption that I often incur to: therapy is all about what a therapist is able to offer. Well, not really. It’s also about what a client is actually able to take and receive from the process. It’s also about being able to receive help: can you do it? Do you let people help you? In my experience, most people are better at giving help rather that receiving it. Somehow giving puts us in a more comfortable position than receiving, it’s as if many people don’t want to feel as if they owe something. But is that really a comfortable spot? My clinical experience tells me that people are exhausted by this dynamic, but to receive makes them feel too vulnerable and too little in control. Sometimes there’s a lack of worth behind the inability to receive: I don’t deserve it. Sometimes there’s the fear that if I don’t bring something to the table, I am not enough; I am not lovable for just being who I am.
I believe that as adults it is our responsibility to teach children that they don’t have to always offer something to other people to make them happy, or to always say yes to others. I know that many parents and schools use a reward system to educate children, it has some positive effects. However, if it’s abused, the risk is that children will learn that they deserve something only if they behave well, or if they are good enough, or if they achieve a certain result. “I will buy you ice-cream if you finish your homework”. “I will take you to the movies if your grades are good”, and so on and so forth. How can children possibly learn to just simply receive? It’s not an option, really. But, what if we go and have ice-cream because we want to spend time together and it’s so much fun? What if we go to the movies because it brings us joy? What if I want to give you a gift just because you are special to me? Can we teach our children that life is beautiful and that they deserve to receive all the beauty it has to offer?
Speaking of life being beautiful, I just returned from a trip to Israel and I would like to share a very joyful piece of music we danced to one evening. I found its joy was contagious!
With love,
Francesca